Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Bawwwwk! I said a HINT Of Vermouth, Fred!

Henry Cabbot Henhouse the Third, better known to viewers of obscure cartoons as SUPERCHICKEN!



He starts out as the upper crusty, cravat wearing gent you see here, but when his man--er, lionservent Fred (and, yes, the picture is accurate; the "F" on Fred's sweater is always backwards) mixed up the Supersauce, and Henry drank it . . .



He turned into the imposing chicken in a weird Three Musketeers Costume you see before you.



Um, yeah -- basically he got drunk and thought he was a superhero. I get it now. It's even totally funnier now than it was when I was a kid. He thinks he has superpowers, but doesn't. It's dumb luck, hapless opponents, and the hard work of Fred that usually saved the day in about 6-minute episodes.

(I'd also like to point out that Superchicken has pretty much the greatest TV theme song ever, next to Underdog).

So, time for the recipe: JER's VERSION OF SUPERSAUCE:



Perfect Martini--er, uh, Supersauce:

++ Gin. GIN!!!! GOOD GIN!!! -- Do you think an upper-crusty chicken worth his low-sodium broth would drink anything BUT? About 2 Oz.
++ Shaker with ice. Ideal is small cubes. And it's important -- use room temperature gin -- the idea is that enough of the ice will melt to add not quite an ounce of H20 to your martinisupersauce.
++ Mere hint of dry vermouth. At most 1/2 ounce. Start with that; experiment with a bit less. We superchickens prefer about an 8-to-1 ratio.

Shake shake shake. Let a few beads of moisture run onto your fingers.
Pour into martini supersauce glass (or into your martini supersauce pitcher, then into a martinisupersauce glass. Garsh.)

YUM! You're sauced -- SUPERsauced! Now go fight crime.

"Too Much Cinnamon, Fred"

Superchicken would often say stuff like above to Fred, indicating that Superchicken, in his delirium tremens, either tastes it incorrectly, or, more likely, has requested that Fred throw simple household spices into what would otherwise be a perfect drink because he thinks it will enhance his "superpowers."

Or, most likely of all, Superchicken just has a very, very dry sense of humor.

Bawk-kawk!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Famous Fake Food Folks

§ Mel Sharples from the Alice TV show (and movie "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore," actually). Signature dish: famous chili.

§ Luigi the Italian Chef from the Simpsons. Signature dishes: er, uh, pasta, I guess.

§ Nat from Beverly Hills 902010. Signature dish: Peach Pie, I guess. Diner food.

§ Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Signature dish: "Cröonchy Stars." Børk! Børk! Børk!

§ The Candy Man from Sammy Davis Jr.'s song. Signature dishes: a dew-sprinkled, chocolate and miracle-covered sunrise; dream-dipped rainbows, strained of sorrow, but retaining all the cream.

§ Vianne from Chocolat, the movie (portrayed by Juliette Binoche). Signature concoctions: various amazing chocolates that can melt the hearts of conservative, small-town Frenchfolk.

§ Willie Wonka. Signature dishes: Everlasting gobstoppers; square candies that look round, many, many more.

§ Circe, from the Odessey. Signature dish: drugged stew that allows her (or helps her) turn men into pigs/animals. Yum!

§ Emeril, from Emeril live. This life-like puppet (using Henson Workshop technology, perhaps?) makes just about anything, but is partial to using spices that allow him to create sound effects.

§ Brian Flanagan from the movie "Cocktail", as portrayed by Tom Cruise. Signature drink: um, just about anything, but always with "flair."

§ The witch from Hansel and Gretel. Signature dishes: gingerbread houses; fattened children (oven-baked).

§ Dagwood, from Blondie comic strip. Signature dish: the Dagwood, of course.

Anybody think of any others? Comment below!

Welcome! We Don't Exist!

We're all about fake food here -- stuff that only exists in--or at least is mostly inspired by--cartoons, comix, books, mythology, that kind of thing.

This was mostly inspired by KT's reporting on Smurf ice cream in Germany, which prompted me to bust out the "Gargamel Song," and speculate about Smurf Fois Gras.

Quote me:
"Man, maybe there's a market for a fantasy food blog. First recipe: super chicken's Super Sauce (which, I just realized after finding an old episode on Guba last night, is actually a Martini -- complete with little martini pitcher and glass!)

Shoot, I better go make a blog for this NOW, before one of your millions of readers steals my awesome idea. "


So, anywho, my "Super Sauce" recipe should be up sometime this weekend. Then what? Ambrosia? Manna? A smurfberry-related delight? A Smurf-related delight? Tika's famous fried potatoes? Gingold Soda? And just how do Olive Oyl and Popeye combine to make a Sweet Pea?

Okay, maybe not that last one . . .

(okay, bonus points for folks who know what the bolded ones are)