War on Purim Continues

A local bakery has banned any mention of Hamentaschen and is selling in their stead "Triangular Cookies."

"We had to change the name after goyim complained about it," said Rivka Kronenberg. "They couldn't pronounce the Hebrew. One customer complained that she was offended we were making her participate in a Jewish Holiday by calling the cookies by their traditional name."

Adding to the pressure was a local Minuteman Reenactment group, who complained the association of the cookies with Purim's villain, Hamen, was putting them in a poor light as well.

"So, this guy who wore a triangular hat wanted to kill Jews," said a group member, wearing a Paul Revere costume. "So they focus on his hat--they make a cookie out of it?" he asked incredulously. "Well, we wear triangular hats, too, and by eating our hats in effigy, the Jews are discriminating against us--calling us villains too!" he added.

The Minuteman Reenactment group has scheduled a "Boston Hamentaschen Party," for later in the week to protest.

NEWSFLASH: E. Coli Contamination Claims Another Victim As Popeye Calls It Quits

SWEETHAVEN, Sept. 29 -- The E. coli outbreak and subsequent removal of all spinach and spinach-related products from local businesses have claimed a victim: the career of Popeye the Sailor Man.

"Withouts me's spinachk, I can'ts even saves me Olive Oyl, ag ag ag ag ag," said the diminutive dynamite, his signature laugh deteriorating into a sob.

At a mere 5'6" and 160 pounds, Popeye could well have enjoyed a decent career as a deckhand or a porter. Instead, he opted to follow in his pappy's footsteps as a full-fledged "Sailor Man," with all the responsibilities, duties, and, yes, privileges that entails. But quiet moments with Ms. Oyl and his best friend, J. Wellington Wimpy, were short-lived, due to interference from foes like the Sea Hag and her buzzard, Buzzy, and his fierce rivalry with other Sailor Men, such as Brutus and Bluto.

"Brutusk? Bluto? Is there a difference?" he mused. "I can'ts even tells which one of them scallywags stole me Olive this time," Popeye said. "Without having a can of me spinachk, I can'ts fight neither of 'em no-how."

Popeye attempted eating other green vegetable, such as arugala, kale, and even non-leafy greens, like broccoli, in an effort to regain his almost mythical fighting prowess. "Dids they turn me arms into anvils? Dids they let me corn-cob pipe be used as a rocket to fly? No. Alls them other vegetables dids was gives me gask."

In closing, Popeye told this reporter that this was his most embarrassing moment since opening night of the movie in which Robin Williams portrayed him.

Bawwwwk! I said a HINT Of Vermouth, Fred!

Henry Cabbot Henhouse the Third, better known to viewers of obscure cartoons as SUPERCHICKEN!



He starts out as the upper crusty, cravat wearing gent you see here, but when his man--er, lionservent Fred (and, yes, the picture is accurate; the "F" on Fred's sweater is always backwards) mixed up the Supersauce, and Henry drank it . . .



He turned into the imposing chicken in a weird Three Musketeers Costume you see before you.



Um, yeah -- basically he got drunk and thought he was a superhero. I get it now. It's even totally funnier now than it was when I was a kid. He thinks he has superpowers, but doesn't. It's dumb luck, hapless opponents, and the hard work of Fred that usually saved the day in about 6-minute episodes.

(I'd also like to point out that Superchicken has pretty much the greatest TV theme song ever, next to Underdog).

So, time for the recipe: JER's VERSION OF SUPERSAUCE:



Perfect Martini--er, uh, Supersauce:

++ Gin. GIN!!!! GOOD GIN!!! -- Do you think an upper-crusty chicken worth his low-sodium broth would drink anything BUT? About 2 Oz.
++ Shaker with ice. Ideal is small cubes. And it's important -- use room temperature gin -- the idea is that enough of the ice will melt to add not quite an ounce of H20 to your martinisupersauce.
++ Mere hint of dry vermouth. At most 1/2 ounce. Start with that; experiment with a bit less. We superchickens prefer about an 8-to-1 ratio.

Shake shake shake. Let a few beads of moisture run onto your fingers.
Pour into martini supersauce glass (or into your martini supersauce pitcher, then into a martinisupersauce glass. Garsh.)

YUM! You're sauced -- SUPERsauced! Now go fight crime.

"Too Much Cinnamon, Fred"

Superchicken would often say stuff like above to Fred, indicating that Superchicken, in his delirium tremens, either tastes it incorrectly, or, more likely, has requested that Fred throw simple household spices into what would otherwise be a perfect drink because he thinks it will enhance his "superpowers."

Or, most likely of all, Superchicken just has a very, very dry sense of humor.

Bawk-kawk!

Famous Fake Food Folks

§ Mel Sharples from the Alice TV show (and movie "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore," actually). Signature dish: famous chili.

§ Luigi the Italian Chef from the Simpsons. Signature dishes: er, uh, pasta, I guess.

§ Nat from Beverly Hills 902010. Signature dish: Peach Pie, I guess. Diner food.

§ Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Signature dish: "Cröonchy Stars." Børk! Børk! Børk!

§ The Candy Man from Sammy Davis Jr.'s song. Signature dishes: a dew-sprinkled, chocolate and miracle-covered sunrise; dream-dipped rainbows, strained of sorrow, but retaining all the cream.

§ Vianne from Chocolat, the movie (portrayed by Juliette Binoche). Signature concoctions: various amazing chocolates that can melt the hearts of conservative, small-town Frenchfolk.

§ Willie Wonka. Signature dishes: Everlasting gobstoppers; square candies that look round, many, many more.

§ Circe, from the Odessey. Signature dish: drugged stew that allows her (or helps her) turn men into pigs/animals. Yum!

§ Emeril, from Emeril live. This life-like puppet (using Henson Workshop technology, perhaps?) makes just about anything, but is partial to using spices that allow him to create sound effects.

§ Brian Flanagan from the movie "Cocktail", as portrayed by Tom Cruise. Signature drink: um, just about anything, but always with "flair."

§ The witch from Hansel and Gretel. Signature dishes: gingerbread houses; fattened children (oven-baked).

§ Dagwood, from Blondie comic strip. Signature dish: the Dagwood, of course.

Anybody think of any others? Comment below!

Welcome! We Don't Exist!

We're all about fake food here -- stuff that only exists in--or at least is mostly inspired by--cartoons, comix, books, mythology, that kind of thing.

This was mostly inspired by KT's reporting on Smurf ice cream in Germany, which prompted me to bust out the "Gargamel Song," and speculate about Smurf Fois Gras.

Quote me:

"Man, maybe there's a market for a fantasy food blog. First recipe: super chicken's Super Sauce (which, I just realized after finding an old episode on Guba last night, is actually a Martini -- complete with little martini pitcher and glass!)

Shoot, I better go make a blog for this NOW, before one of your millions of readers steals my awesome idea. "

So, anywho, my "Super Sauce" recipe should be up sometime this weekend. Then what? Ambrosia? Manna? A smurfberry-related delight? A Smurf-related delight? Tika's famous fried potatoes? Gingold Soda? And just how do Olive Oyl and Popeye combine to make a Sweet Pea?

Okay, maybe not that last one . . .

(okay, bonus points for folks who know what the bolded ones are)